Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sabotage, depression & headaches....

Well, it has been tough. Seems as though I have sabotaged myself without even realizing it. I fell harder into depression last week. There was a lot on my mind, and I got lost in my own head. One night I sat down with some potato chips-I haven't had them in a while-and I ate half a bag....horrible and embarrassing I know. I was so disgusted with myself when I was done....How am I suppose to lose weight and get healthy if I am letting things like this happen? I feel awful-not only do I just feel awful about myself-I literally feel awful. I am sick a lot, I don't have much energy, and I don't sleep well. 
Last week was one of the toughest weeks I have had by far. I felt very alone. After a couple weeks of having headaches sometimes daily, I had a horrendous headache for almost a week straight-talk about miserable. I tried everything-taking meds, not taking meds, caffeine, no caffeine, drinking more water (which I need to increase anyway), eating more often, hot showers, heating pads etc etc. I stayed off the computer and just tried to relax. I even turned off my facebook temporarily. Nothing worked, I just had to let it ride it's course. I was barely sleeping-which I know didn't help-at all!
Last night I once again cried through lots of the Biggest Loser. I so badly wish that was me-making a change in my life. I can't find the motivation-it's lost....and seems so far away.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Motivation? Are you out there?

Well here I am-I took a break from the daily workouts(or moving sessions as I call them) since my Mom had to move again so soon. I had to help her pack again, and of course the moving, unpacking and organizing that goes with it-talk about being sore and stressed. Thankfully that's over now, & just when I was done recovering from that it was time for Thanksgiving. I will say I was pretty proud of myself over thanksgiving-I may not have "eaten very healthy" and still did partake in the traditional foods, but I never ate until I was stuffed. I will be honest-I did not and have not weighed myself in a couple weeks. Part of me just doesn't want the bad news...I am pretty sure I have lost nothing. (last year at this time I actually lost weight through thanksgiving-oh well). Now I just can't seem to find the motivation that I had before. Just everyday life is causing me to be sore, sometimes I even wake up extremely sore-not to mention these daily headaches that I have had for a couple weeks now...sigh.
I did celebrate a birthday during this little break I took & although friends and family were all too busy to celebrate, I did get a couple neat gifts. 
Here is a picture of the beautiful new fruit(I have a fruit themed kitchen) rug Jeremy bought me(been looking for 2 yrs for 1-lost my last one in the move but this one is so much prettier):

 And here is the new wall hanging my mom got me:
And then my brother Mike got me an Itunes gift card which was perfect as there was some songs I had been wanting to buy.
That's my update for now. Hopefully soon I will have some more positive news.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Uplifting words for me to remember

Friday, November 4, 2011

Come on body-work with me here!

Well even though I  woke up less sore than yesterday, I did wake up with a MASSIVE headache (that lasted for hours!). I kept thinking to myself-come on body work with me here! I decided to wait for my body to recover one more day before attempting another walk but that doesn't mean I didn't do something active. I ate pretty healthy today so I was proud of myself for that. I had eggs & toast for breakfast then an apple for a snack. I decided one of my activities for the day would be to clean around the apartment. I knew we had one more errand to run later so I was pacing myself. When I got hungry again and it wasn't time for dinner yet I ate a banana. For dinner I had soup (the Progresso Lite soups) and salad. We ran our errand which required more walking around so I felt good about that. A couple hours after dinner I had 1 more snack-some lowfat cottage cheese and a rice cake. On Dr. Oz he mentioned eating smaller meals more often (or eating every few hours) so that's what I have been doing. I ended the evening relaxing on the couch and watching some of my DVRed shows. I feel like today was a good day all in all. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Just keep moving....

Well, where to begin. To say that I am sore would be an understatement. When I got back from yesterdays walk I was a little sore & tired, but after a little while I just hurt. Oddly enough my upper & lower back hurt but my legs & feet were okay. I tried to rest and take it easy for the next few hours but by the time Jeremy got home last night I was sore from head to toe(arms, legs, calves all of it). I am still so glad that I went on that walk but I just have to remember not to overdo it. Then after dinner we decided to go grocery shopping-so yup you guessed it-more walking and moving. I persevered and pushed through and did okay. On the plus side we did buy some healthy snacks & I am so happy about that!  When we got home thankfully Jeremy brought in the groceries like he usually does-he is so good to me. Then I did take a hot shower which seemed to take the edge off but I woke up a lot in the night just aching and aching. Crazy that just a stupid walk made me feel this way! Ugh!  After my shower I got settled on the couch for some much deserved relaxation. I watched the Biggest Loser & tears streamed down my face the whole time. (it is always an emotional show for me but today hit me hard). I would love to have that kind of support and tools available to me in my journey, but I am so thankful that there are people out there who get to experience that. I wonder though, I know we don't always get to see everything that these people struggle with on the show, but I have always wondered if there has every been anyone on there with Fibromyalgia. What I mean is I have heard them talk about high blood pressure or cholesterol, diabetes etc etc but I would love to see what kind of steps they would take with someone like me. I know I know-not everyone is the same, but I struggle working out and trying to lose weight because of how ridiculously sore I get. There are times when I know I need to push through but then there are times when I know my body enough to know that I just need to slow down and take a break. It just makes my journey slower, more frustrating and I will be honest-hard for me to stay motivated and keep going. Anyway the tears last night-it's just that I want that so bad! I want to be healthier, I want to be happier. I want to feel good about myself again. It's not about numbers on a scale for me-it's about quality of life. I just can't keep living this way......My friend Leslie wrote this on my facebook the other day and it really encouraged me and I need to keep this in mind. She said "it doesn't matter how slow you go. You are lapping those who are sitting on the couch."  

Anyway onto today. This morning it probably won't surprise you that I woke up sore. I ate some cheerios within 20 minutes of waking to jump start my metabolism. We had to run some errands which while I knew it was going to be tough I was glad about because I knew it would get me moving which is what I needed to do. Before we left we needed to stop at our apartment complex office to ask them a question. Now normally I would just jump in the truck and we would drive up there...but not today! I decided to walk-boy was that a struggle. I was already so sore, but I did it and I felt good that I did it. I am proud of even the little things I am able to do at this point. But then off we went-in and out of the truck (did I mention Jeremy has a very tall truck which I have to jump in and out of lol), walking around the store etc and it went on like this for several errands. I do have to share one of the awesome finds I got today and that is my new shirt. It was $9.99 and we had a coupon for $10 off at Jcpenneys. So we only paid the tax-awesome deal! Here is my new shirt:

LOL I loved it! I just can't wait for he day when I can buy a smaller size...sigh-someday! 
After all the errands I was really really sore at this point-and my body was telling me it was time for a rest. So Jeremy sweet man that he is, made dinner for us. I must confess that my dinner wasn't the most healthy dinner, but I did have healthy meals and snacks the rest of the day and we are going to eat the food in the house. Can't afford not too-so not all the meals will be the best option, but we are working with what we have. 

Anyway that's how it's going so far. I am proud of me for continuing to move on a daily basis and trying the best that I can on this new journey. It was raining today-a lot of people would be annoyed by that, but even though I have to have my umbrella, rain is in some ways peaceful and comforting to me. It reminds me of that saying "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to's about learning to dance in the rain."  I had a very emotional experience once time when it rained a couple years ago. It down poured and I went out and played in the rain. I was very moving. I am not ready to share any more than that about it at this time, but let's just say I was very touched by the experience. 

Oh and last but not least-to explain the title of my blog...I am reminded of Dory from Finding Nemo when she says "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". The motto none of us will soon forget. In my case it will be "just keep moving, just keep moving"!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Fibromyalgia-an explanation

So I posted a "note" on facebook last year explaining a little about this and I wanted to have this here too so people that watch me go through my weight loss journey really understand all the obstacles in my path. Is this an excuse? No! Just something I have to overcome and work through. Here is the post::

Well this has been on my mind a lot lately. I am surrounded by so many people who care about me. They all know I am sick a lot but do they really know why? Do they know what I have or understand? I have decided over these past few months that I wish I was normal...but the truth is-I am not. So I figure maybe if people understand me more, maybe I will lose less people in my life. Please understand I am not looking for sympathy....just trying to explain me. So here goes....
I have Fibromyalgia. I have actually had it since high school. I have my good days and my bad days. Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder characterized by widespread pain of the muscles and bones, stiffness, general fatigue, and sleep disturbances. The underlying cause remains unknown, yet most researchers agree that it is related to the nervous system. Here is a list of some of the common symptoms:
Symptoms of fibromyalgia include:

* Chronic muscle pain, muscle spasms or tightness, weakness in the limbs, and leg cramps
* Moderate or severe fatigue and decreased energy
* Insomnia or waking up feeling just as tired as when you went to sleep
* Stiffness upon waking or after staying in one position for too long
* Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks
* Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (irritable bowel syndrome)
* Tension or migraine headaches
* Jaw and facial tenderness
* Sensitivity to one or more of the following: odors, noise, bright lights, medications, certain foods, and cold
* Feeling anxious or depressed
* Numbness or tingling in the face, arms, hands, legs, or feet
* Increase in urinary urgency or frequency (irritable bladder)
* Reduced tolerance for exercise and muscle pain after exercise
* A feeling of swelling (without actual swelling) in the hands and feet
* Painful menstrual periods
* Dizziness
*Fibromyalgia Tender Points-usually will have 11 of 18 of these to be diagnosed

No one really knows what causes it & there is no cure. I found something that pretty much explains what people like me go through on a daily basis....I will put the link at the end.

This is the letter I found online:

If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain, fatigue and forgetfulness. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FMS) after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.


1. FMS is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't a disease at all, and it isn't even new. In 1815, a surgeon at the University of Edenburgh, William Balfour, described fibromyalgia. Over the years, it has been known as chronic rheumatism, myalgia and fibrositis. Unlike diseases, syndromes do not have a known cause, but they do have a specific set of signs and symptoms which, unfortunately for the patient, take place together. Rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are also syndromes.

2. The many physical and emotional problems associated with FMS are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disorder. In 1987, the American Medical Association recognized FMS as a true physical illness and major cause of disability.

3. Syndromes strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.


1. My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is real.

2. My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.

3. My forgetfulness - Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all.

4. My clumsiness - If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.

5. My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. FMS has been called the "aggravating everything disorder." So don't make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can't stand it.

6. My intolerance - I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I sweat...profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don't feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.

7. My depression - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from FMS as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.

8. My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I'm not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.

9. My weight - I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My appestat is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it.

10. My need for therapy - If I get a massage every week, don't envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is knot-filled. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.

11. My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.

12. My uniqueness - Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else.

I hope that this helps you understand me, but if you still doubt my pain, your local bookstore, library and the internet have many good books and articles on fibromyalgia.

Author's note: This letter is based on communications with people throughout the world, males and females, who suffer from fibromyalgia. It does not represent any one of the over 10,000,000 people with FMS, but it can help the healthy person understand how devastating this illness can be. Please do not take these people and their pain lightly. You wouldn't want to spend even a day in their shoes...or their bodies.
written by

Anyway this is me. I am putting myself out there. I hope it helps. Again I am not looking for sympathy, just understanding.This disorder doesn"t define me, but it does affect my every day life.

Here is a few other links to check out if you're interested:

So this was my post on facebook. I hope it makes you understand me more. Thanks if you took the time to read this. 

Gotta start somewhere

Well, here I am- overweight and so unhappy. I feel so unhealthy & it's time for a change. I can't let food control my life anymore. No more excuses. A lot of my friends lately have started their journey to a healthier life, and it has inspired me to start as well. It may be a slow journey but it is gonna happen. I probably won't blog every day, and I haven't taken any pics or measurements yet, but I will soon. 

So today I went on a walk...1 lap around my apartment complex is 1/2 a mile. I was really hoping to do 2 miles. (not sure why since this would be my 1st day back to walking lol, but nevertheless that's what I tried). My 1st problem was that I started going the wrong way around the complex-the way with more uphills-while that isn't a bad thing I am quite certain that I need to work my way up to it lol. Also it was soooo windy today so that made for a struggle too. So needless to say I made it around one time and my calves were hurting and I was in quite a bit of pain. But I couldn't stop there-1/2 a mile just wasn't enough so I turned around and kept going-the other way-with less hills. I made it a little ways and then I was feeling pretty sore and out of breath. I stopped for a break-luckily it was near the playground so there were some benches for me to sit on. As I sat there I was really upset and disappointed in myself. So upset that I have let myself get this out of shape and unhealthy. This past summer was one of the hottest, & most humid summers I have ever experienced here in Oklahoma. For over a month straight the temps were over 100-I am talkin' 115ish degrees or so. It was crazy-and I don't really do well in the heat-especially that heat-so my point is I had a very inactive summer-and even gained the 10lbs or so I had lost before summer. Talk about discouraging.....

But back to my story-so after a couple minute break, I felt like I could continue so I did-music blasting I was determined to get my 1 mile walk in today...AND I DID! I was so proud of myself for doing that mile. Do I wish I could have done more? Of course! But you gotta start somewhere and I need to remember that I need to start slow and not overdo it. 

I plan to eat healthier and the next time we go grocery shopping I hope to buy more healthy snacks this time. I have decided to cut back on things instead of cutting them out completely as far as food goes for no.(since the budget is a little tight at the moment.). Also my #1 big goal is to move every day-do something active-whether it be a walk or just getting out the Wii & doing some Wii fit on there. I can do this-I have to!