Reflecting...remembering...grieving.

3 Years already. Every year on this day I allow myself to reflect, remember & grieve the loss of her. It's not that I don't think of her anymore because I do, but this day just hurts and stings a little more. The whole month of January I probably have her on my mind a little more than usual. I am thankful I don't really have the dreams anymore-well I would really probably call them nightmares-where I lose her all over again. Sometimes what hurts the most is the what ifs. What if I had said or done something different? What if the judge had been more understanding and not believed all their lies. Sigh. But I know...I know...you can't live like that. There have my moments where my mind has wandered and I wonder if maybe just maybe this happened for a reason as sad as that sounds. I always said I can't imagine my life without her and that when she passed away it would be the hardest thing to deal with so maybe somehow some way this was easier. There is a small part of me that wishes I had said goodbye but I quickly dismiss the thought knowing that would have been way to hard. At the beginning it all felt like a bad dream, and I was in shock. Of course it has come to a reality now, but still one of the most heart breaking things I have been through. Some that read this may not know what I am talking about, but I have written about this situation before so I will copy & paste what I have written in the past. I am going to be brave and also include some pics. I had to take them down that day 3 years ago-and sometimes it is too hard to look at them cause I miss her so. 

January 23, 2011
It is sometimes so hard to believe that it has been a whole year since one of the worst days of my life....when I went to court and lost one of my best friends-my wonderful kitty Sneakers who was 12 years old. I had her since high school & she was part of my family. I think about her every day and miss her very much. I hope she is doing well...and wonder if...wonder if things could have turned out different. I lost in court because of people's lies. People I used to call friends...practically like family actually. Hard to believe that someone you trust so much could be possible of stabbing you in the back. People can be so cruel. I love you Sneakers very much & you will always hold a place in my heart. 
Little did I know back then that the very day my heart was broken I would meet not 1 but 2 very special kitties who would change my life. 2 days later they belonged to us....Frisky & Sassy have brought so much joy into my life. They make me smile every day. They cuddle with me...sometimes one or the other or both is my shadow....lol. They are in no way replacements for the one I lost but I love them very much & can't believe they have been with me a year. I am so very thankful to have them! This situation has taught me a lot-I definitely live each day to the fullest and am so grateful for what I do have. 

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't & believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

"There are things we don't want to happen, but we have to accept. Things that we don't wanna know but have to learn and people we can't live without but have to let go."

July 7, 2012
I woke up with a heavy heart today, not sure why. My old cat Sneakers was on my mind a lot. I still miss her like crazy. She will always hold a place in my heart. Part of me can't help but wonder how she is-I know the people who took her from me loved her, but she is getting so old...she could have even passed away and I wouldn't know...sigh. Part of me wishes I could go back in time and change a few things and make the outcome different...there are so many what ifs. But I love Frisky & Sassy so very much and can't imagine my life without them. Part of my heart will always hurt, always wonder, always miss her...... My sweet girl, I miss you so much! We had a good 12 years together...you were more than just a cat or a family pet, you were a friend and close to my heart. Tears flow from my eyes as I write this and think of you. I wish things could have been different. I will never forget your adorable face! I love you always!

A few pics of my & my sweet girl

I love you Sneakers! Today I think of you and all the wonderful memories we shared. I remember the little things about you that used to make me smile. You were more than just a cat, you were part of the family and my best friend. Always in my heart!

This is where I'm at today...

I woke up with a heavy heart today, not sure why. My old cat Sneakers was on my mind a lot. I still miss her like crazy. She will always hold a place in my heart. Part of me can't help but wonder how she is-I know the people who took her from me loved her, but she is getting so old...she could have even passed away and I wouldn't know...sigh. Part of me wishes I could go back in time and change a few things and make the outcome different...there are so many what ifs. But I love Frisky & Sassy so very much and can't imagine my life without them. Part of my heart will always hurt, always wonder, always miss her...... My sweet girl, I miss you so much! We had a good 12 years together...you were more than just a cat or a family pet, you were a friend and close to my heart. Tears flow from my eyes as I write this and think of you. I wish things could have been different. I will never forget your adorable face! I love you always!

Just some reminders for myself

I found this online today & it's perfect!

wow...this really makes you think:

Gotta remember this:

Motivation:

Busy week

Well this week has been very busy for me. I have kept my promise to myself though and done something active-even if it's small, every day. (except for Monday when I did school work for several hours). I am pretty proud of that. On Jeremy's days off we ran errands for several hours both days. At the grocery store every single thing we bought was healthy! It was awesome! We are figuring out this new lifestyle more and more, and it is really starting to click with us. After the 1st week of tracking calories, water intake and fitness I had lost 3lbs and I was so excited. Then a couple days ago I got on the scale and gained 2 lbs. The next day gained another lb back-meaning I had gained the 3 that I had lost. Now I know that weight can fluctuate a few lbs, and I did feel bloated which could have been hormonal, but I gotta be honest-I was sooo discouraged and upset. Also the last couple days I haven't drank as much water as I have in the past-still getting the minimum of 8 glasses a day though. Anyway this morning when I weighed myself I was back down the 3lbs I had lost so yeeea! 
I am so extremely sore between the workouts I did at the beginning of the week and then the walking that came along with all the errands. I just hope that that gets better. 
I am so thankful for the support I am getting from all my friends & family. I even have the support of my cats:                      Frisky who says "is it my turn?"

And Sassy who loves that I am eating yogurt for breakfast:

I have also tried Quinoa for the 1st time this week and I have to say it is def one of my new favorites. I look forward to getting some more and using it in recipes all the time! Here is a couple I tried this week:                        
                                                                 Stuffed peppers

Here is the recipe: Healthy stuffed peppers



                                                         Quinoa & Black beans 

Here is the recipe:Quinoa & black beans

I am very proud of this journey that I am on and just hope it keeps getting better from here.

Back on the horse-let's try this again

Well I am back-back to trying my hardest to get healthy, eat right, & lose weight. I never stopped wanting this-just lots of things have gotten in the way. Seems like I always lose the motivation-which gets frustrating...then I get depressed...which doesn't help. It's a vicious cycle. I just want to feel good, every day-not just about myself but feel healthy. So here I am-doing it again. 

So I started on a website called sparkpeople.com which I heard about from a few friends. I can't access it from my phone but I am home a lot anyway so that's okay. I have started tracking water intake, calorie intake as well as the fitness I do for the day. I am going to try to do something every day-may not be a "full workout" but just do something-get moving. I have weighed myself, done my body measurements and ready to do this. Jeremy is on board too so he is gonna be right there along with me which is a huge help. Hopefully we can keep each other motivated and really keep this up. 

So far with a few days of doing this under my belt, I have had good days and bad days. But it has made me realize what I am putting in my body, and how much I am eating each day. When I go grab something to eat it has made me think about how many calories is this? And do I need to eat this or is there something more healthy I could be eating? I know this is a learning process-and I won't be perfect at it right away, but through trial & error Jeremy & I will find what's right for us. 

Last night we went grocery shopping-it was really cold out so I put on my heavy winter coat-this was very upsetting because there was no way I could button it. (I don't always button it, but if I had to I definitely couldn't have. I was so upset I was almost on tears. We did get a lot of healthy foods & snacks so here is hoping things do change. Another upsetting thing is that we turned the Wii fit plus on yesterday to get measured back in there. It keeps track of your weigh ins-even years later. We 1st weighed ourselves in December of 2009 & have done it off and on since then. Well-this is the heaviest I have ever been the whole time I have been using the Wii fit program. That was another wake up call-slap on the face if you will.

I am ready to not only lose weight-but change my life. This has to be a lifestyle change! It may be a little slower for us, but it IS going to happen. 

So.....back on the horse-let's try this again!

Sabotage, depression & headaches....

Well, it has been tough. Seems as though I have sabotaged myself without even realizing it. I fell harder into depression last week. There was a lot on my mind, and I got lost in my own head. One night I sat down with some potato chips-I haven't had them in a while-and I ate half a bag....horrible and embarrassing I know. I was so disgusted with myself when I was done....How am I suppose to lose weight and get healthy if I am letting things like this happen? I feel awful-not only do I just feel awful about myself-I literally feel awful. I am sick a lot, I don't have much energy, and I don't sleep well. 
Last week was one of the toughest weeks I have had by far. I felt very alone. After a couple weeks of having headaches sometimes daily, I had a horrendous headache for almost a week straight-talk about miserable. I tried everything-taking meds, not taking meds, caffeine, no caffeine, drinking more water (which I need to increase anyway), eating more often, hot showers, heating pads etc etc. I stayed off the computer and just tried to relax. I even turned off my facebook temporarily. Nothing worked, I just had to let it ride it's course. I was barely sleeping-which I know didn't help-at all!
Last night I once again cried through lots of the Biggest Loser. I so badly wish that was me-making a change in my life. I can't find the motivation-it's lost....and seems so far away.

Motivation? Are you out there?

Well here I am-I took a break from the daily workouts(or moving sessions as I call them) since my Mom had to move again so soon. I had to help her pack again, and of course the moving, unpacking and organizing that goes with it-talk about being sore and stressed. Thankfully that's over now, & just when I was done recovering from that it was time for Thanksgiving. I will say I was pretty proud of myself over thanksgiving-I may not have "eaten very healthy" and still did partake in the traditional foods, but I never ate until I was stuffed. I will be honest-I did not and have not weighed myself in a couple weeks. Part of me just doesn't want the bad news...I am pretty sure I have lost nothing. (last year at this time I actually lost weight through thanksgiving-oh well). Now I just can't seem to find the motivation that I had before. Just everyday life is causing me to be sore, sometimes I even wake up extremely sore-not to mention these daily headaches that I have had for a couple weeks now...sigh.
I did celebrate a birthday during this little break I took & although friends and family were all too busy to celebrate, I did get a couple neat gifts. 
Here is a picture of the beautiful new fruit(I have a fruit themed kitchen) rug Jeremy bought me(been looking for 2 yrs for 1-lost my last one in the move but this one is so much prettier):

 And here is the new wall hanging my mom got me:

And then my brother Mike got me an Itunes gift card which was perfect as there was some songs I had been wanting to buy.

That's my update for now. Hopefully soon I will have some more positive news.